And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
