party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
