Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
