you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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