Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
