I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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