Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
