Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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