So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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