Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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