i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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