I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Never underestimate the power of titties
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
