what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
