real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
