why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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