Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
