he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
