Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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