I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
