I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
