I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
