wanna go halves on a baby?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The air was thick with penises
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
