so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
