I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
