He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
