someone threw a dead crab at me
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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