I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
