I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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