rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You smell like stripper and shame
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
