mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
