Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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