I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
