i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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