the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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