JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
