sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
