I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
