Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
