how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
