I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
