I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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