I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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