I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
