umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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