These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I touched a dick in church today
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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