yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
