He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
