the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
