He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
