I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I wish there were birth control emojis
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
